We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
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I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒