Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
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[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.