I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
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INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Pot warmers of the day.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.