please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
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*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
me when i see my girls butt
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.