me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
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feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
This squirrel eats better than I do
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Fight
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES