I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
You Might Also Like
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH