6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
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[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Day 2 of my diet
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…