Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
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me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
the world’s most popular steaming services
I want what they have
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score