COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
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7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>