“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
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“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
January has been Januweary
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.