I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
You Might Also Like
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.