I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
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Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.