I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
You Might Also Like
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.