Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
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Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok