imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
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I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs