Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
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I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Gemma Correll
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am