Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
You Might Also Like
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us