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Sailors: 🙁
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Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married