[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
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You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”