Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
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Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
live long and prosper!
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?