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The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
never ask a starfish for directions
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.