Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
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I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>