Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
You Might Also Like
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
My sex drive has a dui
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.