me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
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Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Introverted vegans go meetless
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.