I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
You Might Also Like
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Mmmm canned fish.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”