Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
You Might Also Like
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
NASA has no chill
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.