I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
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old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow