Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
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I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.