“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Feel. He’s so soft.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…