Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
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In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
When I said I liked it rough.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Here’s a meme
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?