Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
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same vibe as tangled headphones
meow
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what