[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
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“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
buys donuts instead
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Monica just destroyed the internet
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you