I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
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Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Found the job I’m suited for
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker