Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
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#merica
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
you will never know the true number of layers
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.