It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
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Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.