I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
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*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.