Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
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15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”