turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
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lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice