This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
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My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.