How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
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It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars