God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
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Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster