My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
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I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
*Seductively hides in the woods
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.