No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
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What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
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Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.