*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
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Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying