[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
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If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals