Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
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[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?