Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
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PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling