I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
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Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.