my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
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The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣