My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
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I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
thanks auntie mary
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.